New Starts

So alot has been going on lately. Alot of ups and downs but mostly good things I think. I haven't written in a while, I knew what I wanted to write about but I could not bring myself to write it. Ok so lets see in the past 2 weeks nothin completly major has happened.... I had my first client at school. I was terrified. I am a nervous person and getting my first client, I almost had a heat stroke from nervousness and overheating :) It was a black lady who wanted her hair wrapped (wrap the hair around the head like a beehive and dry it and it comes out straight) Well I had the hardest time wrapping it because a real persons hair is NOT the same as our maniquens hair which is made of asian hair and yak hair... Yes YAK! Anyways in the end she said I did a good job and she was coming back in a few weeks for me to do it again :) YAY YAY YAY and I realized that I LOVE cosmetology and CANNOT wait until my next client. The only other thing that really happened in the past 2 weeks is that we found out that my hubby is able to reenlist and we are working on that! I am soooooo proud of him and all he has accomplished and the man he is and I know that if he gets this new job he is going to be the BEST at is just like he is the BEST at what he does now! OK so the part that I couldn't pull myself to write for the past few weeks.




I have been watching One Tree Hill lately and in it, it has an episode where the main character Lucas's uncle Keith is killed. Well as some of you know my Aunt Robin died a few months ago. Let me just say this was the hardest tv show I have had to watch because I realized that yes, I have accepted that my Aunt is gone but I have not began to cope with it until now. I just put it in the back of my mind like she was just gone on a vacation and we would see her later. I bawled my eyes out during that show, not only for my Aunt Robin but for my Grandma Immeke that died when I was 18. I have not really began to cope with any of it. Yes I cried at the funeral and balled my eyes out but it still doesn't seem real. I remember after my Aunt Robins funeral we when to my Aunt Carol and Uncle Joes house to just be with friends and family and I caught myself looking around the room for my Aunt. She was the type of person that would just be the center of attention in the room and always making you laugh, her heart of Gold really just attracted people to her and her contagious laugh. I like to remember her as I remember her the last time I saw her. We had a good quality alone time. She pulled me into the bathroom at my aunts house because she wanted her eyebrows plucked. It was so funny! She barely had any hair left on her head because of the Chemo but she wanted me to pluck her eyebrows for her so they would look good. Although we only spent a few minutes together I am glad I got that last alone time with my aunt. Noone expected this or saw this coming. One moment she was learning to walk again with her walker and the next minute she was gone. I know she is soooo excited and happy now to be up in Heaven but I just ache for all that she has missed, like her grandkids and her own kids and her husband, brothers, and mom and dad. I hate that she missed my wedding and the fact that she never got the chance to meet Nick. I know she would have loved him, I hope that she would have been so proud of me on my big day and I would like to think she would have been one of the first in line to dance with me. Although growing up I wasn't that close to her I think as a teenager I began to get close to her and really LOVE her. I miss my aunt so much and I am glad to finally cope with losing her. Some deal with it in different ways and right now I'm just coping by myself. My grandma is also another person I am still coping with. Although I wasn't as close to her as I was with my aunt I still miss her on a constant basis and I prayed to God to let my Grandma be my brother and Nick's guardian angel while they were in Afghanistan. I think my Grandma knew I wasn't coping with it and didn't really deal with the fact that she as gone becasue for a few months after she died when I was alone in the house the fire alarm right by my room would go off for a few seconds. I think she sent this as a sign because she was a heavy smoker and wanted to let me know that yes, she is gone and yes she is in Heaven now. Although I didn't spend much time with her I do remember the last Christmas present she got me. I don't think I will ever get rid of those presents. She got me some ballet slipper shoes and a yellow jacket. Although the shoes hurt my feet and the jacket is getting to small they are both in my closet. I also was just giving my Grandma's Nativity scene that she made while she was making ceramic things back when I was a kid. She did great at these and I am so glad that I will have them to display in my home some day. The other thing I have of hers are 2 rings that she gave my mom to give to me. I think she knew she was dying and wanted me to have a piece of her before she died. I absolutely love my rings. They sit in my jewelry cabinet because I would die if I lost them. I miss her so much and hope that she continues to watch over my brother and Nick and also my family. I hope she would be proud of me for going to school and getting married and I hope she would have loved my wedding too and just was sitting up in Heaven looking down people watching. Never forget to tell those you love that you love them because like my Grandma and Aunt they could be gone without warning and you will always carry that around with you. What if I didn't tell her I loved her? What if I didn't really know her like I thought? What if we could have been closer? Would she be proud of me? Just all these things I wonder but I think I know the answer to them, Yes they know I loved them but I should have told them more, Yes I knew them and I only saw the good in them I choose to remember the good rather then the bad, the picture is so much prettier that way. And I know they both would have been so proud of me for growing up into the woman I am, I have found a school path that I LOVE and the man that I LOVE. Although I miss them every day I will enjoy my days down here on Earth and know they are missing me just as much but one day I will be up there with them joking with my Aunt and people watching with my Grandma but until that day I got to go out and LIVE!! I can't hide my pain and my sorrows, that would disappoint them both. I have to be HAPPY, live life to the FULLEST!!!

Me and my Aunt Robin